It’s those white bits, they’re the big giveaway

The blessed life journey of Nick Faldo looks set to hit a bump in the road with news that Lee Westwood is battling tonsillitis in the lead up to next week’s Ryder Cup. He might yet need to find a lesser man to replace him.

Chubby Chandler, representing Westwood, was quick to soothe the frenzied worriers with a verbal lozenge, insisting we should all just chill out, Lee will be fine. He should be completely better in “three to four days”, having already lost nine days of his life to the bug already. But he must be wrong.

For those uninitiated in the ways of this brutal tonsil disease, a few days probably sounds like a world of recovery time. But for the rest of us who have lay sprawling in a sea of sweat praying to sweet baby Moses to grant us an early death, Westwood had better be owed a miracle. Just over a week in, he’s at the “swallowing shards of glass and weeping himself to sleep” stage. He should be down for another couple of antibiotic popping weeks.

Get well soon, Lee. Polite Applause feels your pain.